Death...
it's not something to laugh about.... ever....
ive never been this hurt, ive never been this wounded in all my life....
death is wut i initially wanted, it was given to me yet i asked for it to be taken away because i was made to see reality...
i believe i have friends, i believe i have a family i can count on at hard times...
then why do i still look for happiness beyond that?!
why do i use things that are superficial and will most likely kill me?!
why do i love when i know it's stupid?!
i finally had the answer to those questions and i nearly died merely finding it...
it's because everything happens for a reason....
romans 8:28--> all thing work together for good to those who love God and were called according to his purpose.
i dont regret having loved him. it was my choice. i chose to be blind instead of seeing his real intentions towards me.
now we're friends again.
i dont know wut it means for him but for me it juz means i can be civilized towards him and not slap him on the face or kick him hard on his balls.
to the other people that hurt me over the past months....
my love for you guys is straight up unconditional.
hurt me if you want.... i dont really give a fuck....
my loyalty will still be the same, it will always be for you.
i appreciate the fact that i can wake up everyday... even if it is too early...even if i have to go to school...
im merely happy juz the fact that im alive....
juz the fact that my heart continues to beat (even if it's slowing down), is already a BLESSING for me....
i thank GOD for the people that remained loyal.
i thank him for the people that helped me throughout this process of living again....
i wouldn't have wanted to get out of the hospital if it weren't for them, cheering me on to happiness.
happiness.....
it's something that i took for granted... and according to the doctors.... it's the only thing that can save me....
im seriously crying while writing this.
but i have to let it all out.
if i dont.... my soul will die.
i see now that trust is such a big matter, and can only be given to a few.
i learned that too little, too late!!
yet i have no regrets.
i learned... and that's the only thing that counts.
im only sorry to my mom whose trust is the one thing that should really matter to me yet it is the one thing i took for granted. now having lost it, i still dont complain, i still dont regret and most of all.... i dont blame.
i also learned forgiveness is something to be valued.
i was forgiven by God, my family and friends. so i forgave too.
he may take that for granted once again but i dont really care anymore. im moving on. being hurt over him is beyond me, and this time i mean it!!
i got tired. and im so sick of being tired and waking up to the same shit.
i'll change......... eventually.
to the deaf and mute ministry.........i always had problems communicating with you guys yet you always seem to understand me..... ate joselyn, i'll sign it to you over and over again....thank you for saving my life!!
that goes for my G12 leaders ate alex and ate ghing too.
hours after i got home from the hospital they were the first persons i called and the persons that ran to my side as soon as they could. they stayed with me the whole day, holding me as i cried my heart out. they were the ones who prayed for me, they were the ones who directed me back to God. without them, i wouldve juz prayed to God to take me instead of asking back for my life.
to the girl that he loves....i dont hate you.... in fact i love you.
wut you feel for one another is not something i should resent, as your friend i support you. all i ask is that you choose the right decisions and always put God first.
my heart is not something to feel guilty about, this was never your fault, nor was it his. i did this to myself. ive had this coz of my doings.
im asking you, dont feel guilty being together juz coz of me, it's not worth it.
to my bestfriends....i cant understand why you stuck by me all these years, i know it was hard for you to see me suffer. it was harder for you guys to see me not accept your help because i chose to be blind, yet now i know, instead of saying "i told you so", you juz continue to support and lend me your ears. i feel as if i dont deserve you guys. i feel as if you dont deserve me. but i thank you guys for never changing and for always being there for me... no matter how far you guys are, i can still reach for your hand....
LESTER....thanks for catching my tears. i feel so bad having to contact you only when things go worse, yet you never seem to mind. in fact you're always open to me. i love having you by my side and comforting me through my troubled times and i thank you for keeping my health a secret when i asked you to. now that everyone knows you're still there to defend me and i thank you for that and for so many other things. MIKE.....JAPO.....i never wanted to ruin your happiness yet i thank you for always taking time juz to listen to me. you're my brothers, i'll never keep anything from you guys and i'll never ever leave you. ISAH...... all i can say is.... you're ALWAYS THERE when i need you, it's like we always share the same thoughts. we may be different, yet when it comes to dependency on each other, that never changed between us and i hope that it never will. you're my one of a kind friend and if i have to... id trust you with my life and believe that i'll be safe in your hands. i never get tired of saying this.... i love you for that and for so many other reasons. JEM....JACKIE..... you dont know juz how grateful i am when you guys made that condition. i will never ever exchange you for ANYTHING!! nothing will ever be more valued to me than you guys. you guys mean the world to me. you're my sisters. without you im not complete. you dont know juz how much i miss you and whenever we cry together over the phone it juz breaks my heart not being able to hug you guys. whenever we tell each other how much we love each other over the phone or through text, i always thank God i have you. im sorry for making you guys suffer for my own mistakes and im sorry for making you cry over my own crisis that i made myself. i will continue to tell you guys juz how much i love you everyday i live juz to prove that i really do. When asked for my source of happiness, i said my bestfriends are my source of happiness. They're my foundation. They're the ones that keep me strong. They're my inspiration why i want to continue living. Without them i'm nothing.
to the person reading this..... a lot has happened to my life and you never witnessed it yet i thank you for taking the time to read this. i wont go into details but all i can say is death isnt a good thing. BELIEVE ME!!
reread everything that i juz wrote so you will know wut mistakes you shouldnt repeat.
never take happiness nor God for granted. you may never know... they might be the only thing that can save you.... | 
